Wonder when

I don't understand this at all. I don't even try not to think about her when I am awake and its so easy. I don't remember her face. I don't think of her voice. I don't think of her at all. And I don't have to suppress my thoughts for that.
I was home yet again. My sister and my cousin were there. Mom comes from somewhere and scolds my sister for being lazy. She wasn't exactly being lazy but she has me sulking with her behavior towards ma. Mom wasn't right to scold her but she wasn't so very wrong either. And even after Mom left, my sister didn't regret this.
Suddenly I am all alone. Theres no one at home except some cousin who is sleeping in my room. I feel teary for something and then I have actual tears and I realize why I have tears. I look for things at my home that would remind me of her. There are none. I start shouting towards heaven why its like this. Why ,when I don't have a trace of her remaining in my everyday life, do I still have to cry thinking of her? I didn't blame anyone else. But for a minute I felt like going to her mother and crying in her presence.
I don't know why I dreamt that. In between my studies sometimes I write her name without intending to do so..without thinking at all. My hand seems to respond well to my unconscious mind. It doesn't disturb me at all. It only intrigues me. The fact that I am so aloof from myself. The fact that I don't understand what I really won't. Wonder when I'll know.