I despise myself

Its this dream that I want to record because it was both good and ugly. Though I don't remember much of it.The dimmest memory of my this dream takes me to me the room I used to share with bapuji (my grandpa). Like I used to do, I was doing his bed so that he could sleep..setting the mosquito net. But it was with much greater affection than I used to.It was some two years ago that I last saw bapuji. He was as healthy as he used to be before his last year when he was mostly bed-ridden. I then unlike other days that I used to have with him then, offered to massage his feet and his shins. He allowed me to. It suddenly felt like I was giving my grandfather and myself the greatest gift of life. After he had almost slept, I then started to silently cry for myself..for what Ma had done to me..what she hadn't.
That was the disturbing part because my dreams acknowledged my contempt for what Ma hadn't done for me. And I really despise myself for blaming mother for doing something, that almost every mother in the same situation, would have done.