Ugly
25th September, 2006
I’ll never be able to explain this to Dids. She thinks my going home doesn’t make any sense. In an unexplainable way its makes sense to me.
Home isn’t going to feel the same anymore. The telephone ring is going to haunt me. That one month after returning from Kathmandu was like a very numb period. I didn’t feel a thing then but these days I get that feeling of emptiness..the prominence of the void more too often. I don’t let that feeling dominate but since that day after my 21st birthday, I’ve been looking forward to such an occasion. Alcohol consumption on an empty stomach does that to you. Crying never felt that good..as if convincing me that I’ve actually lost someone very dear..as if I wanted to prove to myself that I really really loved her much..that I deserved this cry…that I deserve to enjoy few more teary times.
Get this feeling that if not this time I won’t see her for years..and I want to see her. Maybe I want to hear it one last time..that last time that I’d want to last as long as I last. Its like I am looking forward to that recurring vision I used to have where I happen to see her after years. Because she’s the teacher of my son. Movie fantasy.
I couldn’t deny that wish..not a wish actually..a thought that sees her in a miserable state with a broken marriage or even worse. It wasn’t a thought that appealed to me but it did strike my mind. I wish I didn’t have such a sick thought even for a millisecond. I wish there was this other world where I could live this thought, if not the idea of marrying her, without feeling any guilt..where she’d love me and not feel guilty.
I’ll never be able to explain this to Dids. She thinks my going home doesn’t make any sense. In an unexplainable way its makes sense to me.
Home isn’t going to feel the same anymore. The telephone ring is going to haunt me. That one month after returning from Kathmandu was like a very numb period. I didn’t feel a thing then but these days I get that feeling of emptiness..the prominence of the void more too often. I don’t let that feeling dominate but since that day after my 21st birthday, I’ve been looking forward to such an occasion. Alcohol consumption on an empty stomach does that to you. Crying never felt that good..as if convincing me that I’ve actually lost someone very dear..as if I wanted to prove to myself that I really really loved her much..that I deserved this cry…that I deserve to enjoy few more teary times.
Get this feeling that if not this time I won’t see her for years..and I want to see her. Maybe I want to hear it one last time..that last time that I’d want to last as long as I last. Its like I am looking forward to that recurring vision I used to have where I happen to see her after years. Because she’s the teacher of my son. Movie fantasy.
I couldn’t deny that wish..not a wish actually..a thought that sees her in a miserable state with a broken marriage or even worse. It wasn’t a thought that appealed to me but it did strike my mind. I wish I didn’t have such a sick thought even for a millisecond. I wish there was this other world where I could live this thought, if not the idea of marrying her, without feeling any guilt..where she’d love me and not feel guilty.
posted by Runit Saria at 3:34 PM
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