Since then....

26th the September, 2006

It’s the day I got my train homewards…and I get this feeling that maybe I should wait. I shouldn’t be waiting at all actually..but it suddenly feels like it won’t be right to go to her home right now. I was like trying to imagine being there. Its festive time and its the first time shes going to be home. Am sure that she’ll be very composed about me but still get that feeling that things are still fresh. I think I know why I want to meet her. I want to see her surrender in my presence. Give me the feel that in her dreams she always wanted to be with me. She surely never will. Infact she must already be in love with that lucky bastard. I hope she is.

I was thinking of a name for the world where the very happy myself is going to live…where I’ll still be craving to learn to play the guitar and would still hold that dream to buy a Contessa…where the guitar would eventually lead us to a drive from her home to mine…where I’ll still believe in catching falling leaves or spotting a lonely star..where I’ll still talk to the moon..and where I’ll still pick flowers and write letters. I’ve changed a good deal since the last time I kissed my black and white girlfriend…and I haven’t heard ‘Unchained Melody’ since then.

Everytime I do something that I haven’t done SINCE THEN..it strikes my mind the fact that it was a different world, the last time I did this…be it listening to some song..going to the railway station to get my reservation done…even wearing a shirt that I hadn’t worn since then. A lot of these ‘since then’ activities are still to com. The most prominent one I foresee and already feel about is that for the first time, I’ll be going to Nepal without planning and hoping to win her heart. I used to enjoy the railway struggle. I call it a struggle because most times I don’t have a reservation for a 20 hour journey. At times I didn’t even possess a ticket. This time too I only have a ticket and though I’m going home mostly for her (for me) but I still don’t see that I’ll enjoy the struggle this time. I find it hard to imagine myself talking to her. I aren’t prepared. My weird friend had asked me what I’d say to her and I replied that I wouldn’t have to start…she would and then I’d find things to say to her. I aren’t really as confident as I thought I was. Infact I now fear I might go home and return without making any effort for this meet that I am going home for.

Ugly

25th September, 2006
I’ll never be able to explain this to Dids. She thinks my going home doesn’t make any sense. In an unexplainable way its makes sense to me.
Home isn’t going to feel the same anymore. The telephone ring is going to haunt me. That one month after returning from Kathmandu was like a very numb period. I didn’t feel a thing then but these days I get that feeling of emptiness..the prominence of the void more too often. I don’t let that feeling dominate but since that day after my 21st birthday, I’ve been looking forward to such an occasion. Alcohol consumption on an empty stomach does that to you. Crying never felt that good..as if convincing me that I’ve actually lost someone very dear..as if I wanted to prove to myself that I really really loved her much..that I deserved this cry…that I deserve to enjoy few more teary times.

Get this feeling that if not this time I won’t see her for years..and I want to see her. Maybe I want to hear it one last time..that last time that I’d want to last as long as I last. Its like I am looking forward to that recurring vision I used to have where I happen to see her after years. Because she’s the teacher of my son. Movie fantasy.

I couldn’t deny that wish..not a wish actually..a thought that sees her in a miserable state with a broken marriage or even worse. It wasn’t a thought that appealed to me but it did strike my mind. I wish I didn’t have such a sick thought even for a millisecond. I wish there was this other world where I could live this thought, if not the idea of marrying her, without feeling any guilt..where she’d love me and not feel guilty.