She suffers alone.

Simplify it.

It’s hard to believe it’s so much out of possible. It’s like a thing I’ll never be able to digest. Every waking day, the only thing I can think of is this situation. It’s funny in a sad way. I don’t know where I am heading. From swings of optimism and mindless daring to the lows of reality. I am thinking of manipulations, mind games, word games everything and anything that might work. Is life really as complicated as it seems? I don’t want to accept the reality that she’s showing me. I can’t imagine it. She has managed to find an abstraction from such thoughts. She suffers alone.

I am straining things, striving hopelessly. She is pained to see my state but she can only pretend like nothing bad will happen. She will readily leave this conversation and try and talk happy nice things to me. And my attempt to do the same appears a pretence. Talking happy things to her doesn’t feel normal. I can’t help but think about the uncertainty of this happiness. She loves me. She realizes that I am struggling to cope with things but she herself doesn’t know how to talk to me. She suffers alone.

I show my pain on my face. I torment her as if trying to win an emotional battle. I am not even thinking anymore. I’ve been feeling that big blank in my head that goes on and on. I don’t know what to make of it. How do I give her back the me that she enjoyed being with? I feel incapable. She worries. All her worries are for me. She thinks she’ll be able to handle it. I know I’ll be able to handle it. I know I don’t want to. I know she wouldn’t be able to handle it. I talk to her, I have a hundred things on my head. She sees my turmoil on my face. She pretends to not know it. She suffers alone.

I am not being able to show my true self. I am faking my emotions. I am distancing myself from the person I love the most. I am scared I’ll hurt her with my words. I am being rude to her with my bluntness.I tend to taunt her with my love. She suffers alone.

Someday I am going to erupt. Someday I am going to make her cry. I am going to understand her. Someday I am going to take her sufferings. I won’t let her suffer alone.

The Face revisits

After a not very wishful indulgence, I tried to put myself to sleep. Sleep isn't the easiest thing these days. I now realize that I actually had a blank phase during which I didn't have any face in mind at sleep time. Yesterday night however I did have a face I was thinking about. Even during that indulgent period that face kept ringing my mind. Somewhere the indulgence appeared like an attempt to tell myself that this new face did not affect me. Even before the last minutes before sleep I was shunning my mind from thinking about this new face. Telling myself that she was committed and that she wasn't someone I was looking for.

Ten minutes after I woke up, I got a flash of the dream that I saw. Even when I had just woken up, I had this eerie feeling that I saw the face I had been thinking about before sleeping. As if something special happened. Now, I knew it was LeCzar. It felt like it was our first meet since her marriage and it appeared like she had invited me to meet. I was exploding with enthusiasm as I walked home . I had this feeling that I was supposed to meet her at some dreamy secret place at the roof of my home. I was taking a stupid adventurous route in an attempt to escape being seen by maa from her room as I climbed the roof. Once I got to the place that I had in mind, I saw LeCzar call me to a spot that appeared to be between the kitchen door and maa's room. I avoided looking into maa's room as I didn't want to confront any possibility of me not meeting LeCzar. I took Le out of the gate trying to avoid any other possible interference. As we were walking out, she took out a gift that looked like a chocolate bar wrapped in a flowery purplish wrapping paper and had something written on it. I didn't read it because I wanted to savor the experience in anticipation that it would be something very deep and straight from her heart. Reminded me of the days I used to keep her letter in my pocket and wait for hours after I received it to read it as if prolonging the reading experience and the happiness I'd derive from it. I started debating whether it was a chocolate and hoping that there was more writing within the packing. She nudged me to move and led me to what is now a godown. It was in its previous shambled state, roofless and with huge craters on the floor that had wild plants grown. The door to the godown was half open as she led me. I was conscious of the fact that we were entering a private space. My mind even racing at the thought of she kissing me. I told myself that I wouldn't resist though I had never known that experience during the years we were together. My mind got back to thinking about the gift which was now in my pocket. I started showing her the plants that were growing on the cracked floors telling her that I had sown them. It appeared like a shoot that would develop from a gram seed or a pea. She was standing behind me and listening me talk about the plants and she interrupted me with another gift. This one looked like a red old box which I took in my hand.
I was in a very high emotional state conscious of the fact that we were meeting for the first time almost three years since the time that I last saw her at her home. She had given me a flower bud then and had asked me to put it in sweet water and tell her of what happened. When finally she spoke, she very composedly told me that all she wanted to say was that things hadn't changed for her and that she always wished well for me. Our relationship had ended with a lot of unanswered questions and somewhere I was hoping it would be clarification day. That she'd talk about that time. I was wishing she had more to say and I turned my back to her as I was listening her speak as I wanted to secretly check what was there in the second gift. I was a pair of sun-glasses that had something written on the tainted glass. There was also a watch in the same box. Reminded me of the first gift she sent me and also forced me to think on why I didn't even think of getting her a gift. The next moment she had disappeared. I looked for her at home and debated whether I should give her a call.


I see a dream whose idea I fancy and I feel very happy about it. I got this sudden idea that if I saw such dreams everyday, I'd happily live every waking day thinking and relishing about the dream.

Shes no Agony Aunt

I was checking this site that gave site rankings. I tried my blog to see what results it would give. Hadnt seen my blog page for ages now and I was suddenly attracted to reading what I had written some two years back. A friend, the only person who read my blogs then wrote something inspired from one of my writings. And for reasons I wanted to read what she had writtent then. Its strange how differently you can feel about the same literature over time. Every time you realise you've found another perspective to it. I remembered the link to her page so it was easy reaching there but unlike mine she had a huge archive and after some unintelligent searching I found what I was looking for. I use a dial-up-connection that engages my telephone. So I saved the page to read it later.After having read what I had written before her, when I finally sat to read the page,I realised it had 6 comments. Curious on what I and others had commented,I reconnected to get back to her page and then on the comments. It read that she intended to help me in some way. I had thanked her for lending words to my expression.
Reading it again today, I want to thank her for trying to tell me that 'it was love and it was worth it'. I like the idea of having someone like you as a friend, a counsellor. But dont extend that service to the masses - ' Agony Aunt '. lol .

eternal sunshine

for a brief moment i debated with myself whether if given a choice I'd want to erase Le out of my mind. It was brief..very brief..

i dont know what i want to write next..there a lot of things that i wanted written..i give them up easily..i wanted to write this...so i tried to run away from the idea of forgetting about writing it..i am too absorbed...still into the movie..i am still thinking of the erasure going on...

i liked the snow...and climbing the night at the Charles... I have stopped relating but..unconsciously i have stopped..i didnt see myself as Joel or Le as Clementine...i would have otherwise...i am getting over with her..and suddenly i see the erasure working for me without some doc mapping my memories to get her off my head..i am trying to keep her living..thas why i write these things..but i didnt write for a long time..i feel like a different person...i wont be..i am just typing randomly..and i am already thinking about ppl who will read this..that i will show it to Abdul..and he'd understand the context atleast if not the rest..i am planning again...i am deviating from what i wanted to to write..the action of my writing isnt involuntary..i can think and i know what i am writing....i am full of dots. dots sounds like a fancy word to me..thas why i say i am full of dots..but dots also might suggest that my life is full of trailing dots..

i want to get back to the last thing i saw...it was all snow..and sea..and they were just by themselves....and i realized that i have lost my chance...i want to be in love....madly in love to live like that.....to think of nothing else...but i think ive lost the one chance i had....that i wouldnt want to be like that anymore when i forgot about this movie...when i get out of this cloud...i am happy i am writing..i'd want to find the notepad whenever i am thinking..i know i'll like it...i might even be proud of whatever i wrote..but most importantly it gives me the satisfaction of writing something that not many write..or a lot many write..but they write it to themselves...the way i am writing it to myself..

i never wrote to myself..i wrote to her...but theres no anguish..no anguish...i want to remember that quote...that quote about forget..why does everything have to fit in so well...why does it appear like the whole world is making movies in my context..writing books in my context..singing my life. conclude..i am too selfcentered. and i dont know if i am going to try and be something else..but i am striving for something that i dont know...i want to end with ' eternal sunshine of a spotless mind' whatever it means..

Qian li zou dan qi

Will I see her again - will we stand here and wait for our hearts to communicate to each other?
"Riding Alone for a thousand miles"- I come to regret being insincere with the guitar....for not creating that bridge of chance between us. The bridge is now lost forever and with it the chance to tell her how dearly I cherished the bud she had given me that evening at her balcony....how I waited for it to flower.....as if it were to indicate something. If only I didn't wait for such indications and gave her my heart. I was too scared to take chances...scared that I'd even lose the right to stand at her balcony. The more I think of that moment the more I drown in regret. I won't go regretting forever but.
I had told her that years later, I would still wait for her, still wish she was happy - still know that she'd be happiest with me. But I don't. I can't. Its meaningless - just like everything in my life will be. But I don't want to see what lies ahead. I don't want to help the pining. I promised myself to live for her...only her... and I know that I won't be able to keep this promise forever. Someday soon I'll stop longing for her. Until then... I want to keep the promise I made to myself.
Until then...I want to sound poetic...sound like a dreamer. Only until I find someone on the other side of the bridge across forever.

An excercise to do I have. I have to think about myself. I is all that I have ever thought of but I still don't know this I. I have an HR interview in an hours time and I cannot find a few lines to describe myself cause it has to involve my positive sides..my strengths...my hobbies...my philosophy of life.
Its been 15 minutes and I am still thinking.
I have earned a lot of best friends and I have had my room in the hostel as 'the hub' for the last 5 years of my hostel life. Won't blame myself for the first three years cause then I had roommates. I enjoy cooking for my friends and cleaning my room and arranging it so that it can accomodate more and more people. I haven't had the oppurtunity to sleep in my room for the last 4 days and I've found the word. Its called 'hospitable'.

I have never parted ways with any of my friends inspite of all the differences and hassles that I might have had with them. I have been able to project myself as a funny character ( I hope I don't appear irritating ) to friends who haven't had the oppurtunities to listen to my stories. I am simple to converse with and I try my best to radiate warmth.

I have managed to fairly ( stress on that ) pass my exams since my 8th standard 2nd terminal exam when I last used unfair means to help my state. My scores are purely mine.

the dust of time

I miss the feeling of missing her..or longing to meet her..or wanting to dream of her. I say to myself I am completely out of it...and it does seem like that but I don't want it to happen. Most of my holiday I continued to feel the void..but not enough..not enough to give me the feel I was looking for..was on a different mission during my stay in Goa but I did give it a try..the easy way but liqour didn't work for me that day. Was sitting alone at a bus-stop in front of the Mumbai railway station waiting for my friends...the cool January wind gave me a feel of the Delhi winters..and together drifted the good old days...
Today above all i wanted to read our conversations..the logs that I had been keeping for ages. Some effort and i managed to get them at my screen...and as i read i realized how distant and different I was from her when I was being her lover. I never really got real close to her until she declared that it was over. But the time after that was the time when I really got to know her...and I really started feeling like her. I wish I could keep a log of those endless conversations I had at her balcony when we weren't lovers..when we weren't friends..but when we still knew we needed to talk to each other. Though she never admitted to it, but it was then that we started feeling that we needed each other..and it was then that I felt more secure. I am still being lazy to untie that yellow bundle. I dusted it and then displaced it today when I cleaned the room. I wish it helps to keep her fresh in my memories forever.